Amidst the Choas there is Mercy

I could hear the wind howling outside as the storm rolled in. My hands were covered in suds as I washed another dish. The moments that filled the day had drained everything out of me, and I was anxiously awaiting the kids’ bedtime. As I placed a dripping bowl in the dish drainer, it rolled off and onto the floor spraying water everywhere with each bounce it took. I snatched the bowl off the flour and threw it into the dish drainer. I grabbed the edges of the sink and took a deep breath. I knew right in that moment that my children had seen something in me I did not like. Something that did not honor the Lord.

My four-year-old son was sitting at the kitchen table watching me. I looked over at him and said, “Mommy let anger consume her in that moment, didn’t she? Mommy needs Jesus just as much as you do. I cannot do life without Him. Will you forgive me for turning to what was natural in the moment rather than turning to Jesus?”

Just hours before, I had a conversation with my son about anger, and how we need Jesus to help us not let anger consume us. We had these conversations for weeks now, but on this night, something was different. My son being able to see that I am not always right, I don’t always know what I am doing, and I need Jesus more than anything, was monumental in His discovery of his own need for Jesus in every moment.

I am not one that admits weakness well. That moment of admitting to my four-year-old that I made a mistake took courage. It takes great strength to be humble. It is easy to be proud. The greatest form of strength is in humility. It is the most powerful way we can show our children that we each need Jesus.

The Lord has used the last four years of my life to teach me so much about the selfishness of myself and the goodness of Him. Motherhood is a very humbling journey. Just when you think you have it all put together, you don’t, and I have discovered that this is OKAY! Because through this crazy journey of motherhood, I have learned that I need Jesus in every moment and that when I am weak, He is strong! Having moments of weakness is not a sign of defeat in my life, it is an opportunity to get over myself and let the Lord take over. And only then are great things possible.

We often need reoccurring reminders that we cannot succeed with our own strength. This idea of an eternal mindset is impossible without a continual reliance on Jesus and the strength He gives. I notice that in the times I rely on Jesus, I am filled with more peace, joy, and fulfillment than I ever am when I try to do things on my own.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lam. 3:22-23

This verse brings such a comfort to my soul as a mama. Being a mom is hard, and I make mistakes left and right. Yet, instead of letting my mistakes define me, I am choosing to turn to Jesus amidst those mistakes, being pliable and easily molded through each moment of weakness. For His mercies are new every morning and His steadfast love never ceases! No matter how many times I fail as a mom, the Lord will never stop loving me, never stop wanting me, never stop pursuing ME! I am His forevermore and nothing will change that.

As His mercies are new every morning, so should be my ambition to choose Him and further His kingdom every moment. I will continue to make mistakes, but maintaining a mindset that is fixed on Christ, and the goodness of His promises will help me navigate my mistakes in a way that benefits me, my marriage, and my children.

My children will see how I choose to rely on my own strength or Christ’s, and I want them to witness their mother continually choosing Jesus above all. I want them to witness my weakness so they can see the Lord’s strength!

I could hear the wind pickup with another spring storm rolling in as I finished the final mile of my run. I had spent the last half mile praising Jesus for the ways He had filled my life that day, even amidst what should have been complete chaos and frustration. His mercies are new every morning and there is no end to His steadfast love and faithfulness. I long for a complete reliance on Him every moment of every day. I specifically prayed that where there is pride in myself, may He humble me, so I need Him more and more! Amidst the choas there is great mercy.